祂一直都在

我記得我以前是個很會自責的人
                                                                               
那是比自省更為情緒化  可以說是控告的地步 時常地
                                                                               
以至於我必須常常要提醒自己上帝並不因為這樣就不愛我了
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
但是現在做什麼事我都好像不會怎麼樣  至少情緒上不會受太大影響
                                                                               
跌的還是跌  不做的還是不做 那是種濫用"上帝並不會因為這樣就不愛我"的感覺
                                                                               
那是一種無所謂的感覺  並沒有什麼想要變得更好的動力

而這兩種狀況中我都會知道自己應該要更積極才好
                                                                               
例如 遠離罪惡  積極親近上帝 讀經  禱告 靈修
                                                                               
但似乎都沒什麼進展
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
以至於現在和以前許多情況並沒有不一樣   問題還是在那
                                                                               
但是我的態度整個差很多

說真的
                                                                               
我寧可像以前
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
至少   那使我比現在更常來到上帝面前